I'm very picky about who I'll be seen with!

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OK so I took the advice! Thank you ladies.

I told Jay that I loved him as a friend and that if I were straight there would nothing in the world that I would like more than to give a relationship a try, but I am not.

He got kinda mad at first. Said that I used to be with guys so what was my problem now, was he just not good enough? I knew it was anger talking so I told him that I never felt anything with any of those guys and I didn't feel comfortable in my skin, it wasn't till I was with Heather that I realised why and I figured out who I was.

He cried, I really wish he didn't and it scared me becuse he is this tough hard guy and there he is crying. I didn't know what to do. I told him that when the right girl came around, and that I know she will, he will realise that this was never what he thought it could be and that I could never make him fully happy. We hugged, I left. I feel bad. I hate when men cry. The only time I ever saw my dad cry was at my grandma's funeral and it also scared the shit out of me. I never let anyone see me cry.

I think I have gotten Heather out of my system. Maybe it was more my pride then anything else but there was something deeply satisfying about me fucking her then me not answering her frantic calls. I think I just hate being left.

So there is this coffe shop near my house and the cutest girl works there. She is this really pretty little asian girl. She is always really nice to me and she talks to me a lot. I feel like she goes out of her way to talk to me and sometimes I even think she is flirting with me but my gadar sucks and she looks way way way to femme and straight laced to be a dyke. I want to exchange numbers but I don't want to be that chick who chases straight chicks, you know?

Why is my life so drama right now? Ok so yesterday my friend Jason calls me asks me if I want to hang out. It was pretty late but he sounded kinda down so I figured why not I am doing fuck all? Also I wanted to get Heather off my mind and when I mope around at home she is all I think about. So I got to his place and he seemed all nervous and sad and weird. That was right before he hit me with this "Edith I want to be with you. I knew what heather was doing at gregg's party she tried to fuck me. she was a hoe. I know you don't want to hear it but she was. you deserved much better and I should have told you but I didn't want to be the one who gave you news like that. I told her to tell you but she acted like you were an idiot and you would never find out. I told eden he was being a douche but he didn't care. remember that time at gary's when we were on the couch and you said I looked grumpy? well I was going to tell you then to but I didn't want you to later think I was just telling you cause I wanted you to breakup so I could have you. I just need you to know how I feel." or something like that, I always mess up converstions. Well then he kissed me and in all honesty I kissed him back. I swear to God I am going to go live in a cave and only associate with squirrels and owls because humans are way too much for me. After the kiss I literally said "I need to think" and just turned around and left. I was at him place for a total of like six min. Now my head feels like it is going to explode. I am gay. But I never use to be. But I know I am. But right now I just want someone to want me. I don't want to hurt him we are really tight friends. Oh yah and I fucked heather what two nights ago. What am I getting myself tangled in here?

That is Jay


PS
I can not believe she tried to fuck him to...she is a hoe!

OK so it would appear that I can recognize good advice but I just can't follow it.
I texted her back to meet up.
Met up with her.
Fucked her.
She called me like twelve times today and I didn't answer.
I don't know what to do. I know she is still with him. I love her but I just did to him what they did to me. I don't want her after him and I know she will do it again. I love her but I want it to be like it was before she left me for him and I know that is impossible. I also do not want to be her lez-booty call.

I really fucked up, now I am more confused then ever!